Communicating during Conflict
“Wonderful blessings flow from resolving
conflicts in an atmosphere of love.” - S. Brent Scharman
Conflict. It comes in
many forms in a marriage, and for many reasons. Whether because of money,
parenting, or even something simple like deciding where to eat, conflict can
cause issues in any relationship. Personally, because of my anxiety, conflict
often occurs because I hold in most of what I am feeling so as not to make the
situation worse or because I think that my feelings are not important and are
silly. By doing this, though, I am not helping the situation like I may think.
In fact, by holding in my feelings I am doing what I fear, and making it worse.
If individuals do not express what we are feeling then conflict cannot be
resolved, and we will not be able to fully understand each other or how to
resolve the issue at hand.
What IS Conflict?
In the most common cases,
conflict can be described as fighting, aggression, anger, violence, and even
bitterness towards someone else. While these are mostly destructive
“When troubles persist and
become destructive to family life, there can be more serious causes of
conflict, including immaturity, selfishness, desire to win power struggles, and
pride” - S. Brent Scharman
When my husband and I have conflict, emotions begin to heat up.
Our words get sharper with each other, and we become more defensive. We do not
yell, but we do not listen either. Because of this, it is just a cycle of
stating why one is right and the other is wrong. After a while we give up, and
move on. We go for periods of time barely looking at one another, and our
conversations for the next while are curt and one-worded. Eventually we move
on, but we do not forget.
Conflict Resolution!
“Conflict Resolution is an act of finding a solution to a
conflict”. By doing so, those who are conflicted (usually with each
other) can find a way to resolve their issues and settle on an agreement. (Igbo
2015).
“When conflicts are resolved, new
patterns can take their place. The door then opens for spouses to express
positive thoughts and demonstrate
support.” - S. Brent Scharman
As stated earlier, when my husband and I argue we move on but we
do not forget. In fact, we use that “moving on” time to do other things so that
we each have a moment to calm down and resolve our own thoughts. However, if I
do not know how I truly think and feel, how can I let my husband know? After we
have had time to calm down, we come back and discuss calmly our different sides. We listen to each
other, and respect each other’s opinions while deciding on a resolution based
on compromise for BOTH. Does it always work this way? Definitely not.
Sometimes we catch ourselves early in the conversation and remind ourselves
that we need to calm down and focus. Sometimes we need to wait until the next
day. But we always come back together and work as a team, and make sure the
other knows that we are loved.
Tips For Conflict Resolution
- Take
initiative and resolve conflict as early as possible
- The
longer we wait to resolve conflict, the more time passes to become bitter
and angry towards one another, and the more time for negative thoughts to
take over.
- Forgive
and Forget
- If
we do not forgive and let go, conflict cannot be truly solved, and can
potentially be brought up in future arguments.
- Control
your Anger
- Anger
can make it hard to think and discuss positive solutions or feelings, and
can further the conflict in negative ways.
- No
name calling
- Name
calling can lead the conflict into a new direction, and you will no longer
be discussing the situation, instead name calling will lead to putting
each other down and won’t solve anything.
- Keep
your cool
- By
keeping a calm head, we can better rationalize the situation and communicate
more effectively with our spouse.
- Reflect
upon the root cause
- By
remaining focused, the problem can be discussed quicker than if we wander
into other discussions that aren’t helpful in resolving the conflict.
- Don’t
assume your innocence and the other’s guilt
- In
an argument it is easy to think you are right and others are wrong, but if
we take the time to listen to other perspectives, then we may realize that
maybe neither is wrong and people just have different ways of handling
things.
- Set
up a proper time to discuss
- If
we are being rushed, or are in the middle of other obligations then we may
feel stressed and pressured; which can aggravate the situation and cause
anger to re-elevate. If you both decide on a time that works for you, you
will feel more calm and ready to communicate.
- Focus
on the current problem and do not remind of the past
- This
goes with Forgive and Forget. If we are bringing up the past, we are
bringing out more situations that cause conflict, and it will be harder to
find the root of the cause. If we forgive and forget, then finding a
resolution will be easier to do and we will be able to focus on the issue
at hand.
(Yunus, M. 2008)
Using what we know
So far, we have learned about communication skills, Active
listening, and Love Languages. Here is a time that would be best to put what
has been learned into action.
Communication: We know that when we
communicate, body language is important. Make sure to face each other when
talking, and have an open expression and posture. Don’t fold your arms across
your chest, as this makes you seem closed off to the other person. Instead,
have your arms loosely at your sides or in your lap if you are sitting. Have a
relaxed and open expression on your face. Try not to look down, instead make
eye contact so both of you know you are focused on the situation.
Active Listening: Turn off all distractions. Put your phones away, and turn off
the T.V. or sit in a quiet room together. Take turns talking, and when you are
listening repeat some things back that the other says so both of you know that
you are listening, taking in how each feels, and what each thinks. Ask calming
questions if you need clarification, and do not become defensive.
Love Languages: Remember that we all communicate differently, and express
ourselves in different ways. When you are resolving conflict and if your partner
feels love with physical touch, hold their hand or put your hand on their arm
or shoulder now and again to express that closeness. Sit next to each other, or
find ways to express yourselves.
Resolving conflict doesn’t have to be tense. It can be a tender
moment, even funny sometimes depending on the personalities, and should bring
partners closer together. If we remember the love we have for each other, and
remember to show that love in times of conflict we can better resolve our
issues and move past them as they come to the surface. Because in life these
issues will always be there. There will be new ones, tougher ones, and issues
even more complicated to solve. But by working together as a partnership,
future issues can be better handled and quickly resolved
Take Away
1. Read through the “Tips
for Conflict Resolution” and try to implement them into everyday life. If we are actively
trying to be better at how we handle what life throws our way, we will better
be able to communicate with our spouses and family as well.
2. This week try to be
honest and sincere about your feelings in a situation. If we practice sharing
how we feel with our spouse, there will be less tension and more openness in
the relationships. We can better avoid conflict this way.
3. Make sure you are focusing on the things you should be
4. Remember to show your
love. Before, during, and
after conflict we need to be reminding ourselves and showing our spouses that
we love and respect them. By doing so, we can better come together to resolve
issues that will appear.
Please let us know how we are doing by filling out this survey!
Resources
Igbo, H. I., Grace, A. R., & Christiana, E.
O. (2015). Relationship between Duration of Marriage, Personality Trait, Gender
and Conflict Resolution Strategies of Spouses. Procedia - Social And
Behavioral Sciences, 190(Proceedings of 2nd Global Conference on
Psychology Researches (GCPR-2014) 28-29 November 2014, University of Barcelona,
Barcelona, Spain 28-29 November 2014, University of Barcelona, Barcelona,
Spain), 490-496. doi:10.1016/j.sbspro.2015.05.032
Scharman, S. B. (2017,
October). Resolving Conflict in Your Marriage. Ensign.
Yunus, M. (2008). Towards better dynamics and communication in Marriage- Islamic Perspective. Health & Medicine. Retrieved March 3, 2018, from https://www.slideshare.net/DrYunus/towards-better-dynamics-and-communication.
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