Communicating During Conflict

Communicating during Conflict

“Wonderful blessings flow from resolving conflicts in an atmosphere of love.” - S. Brent Scharman

Conflict. It comes in many forms in a marriage, and for many reasons. Whether because of money, parenting, or even something simple like deciding where to eat, conflict can cause issues in any relationship. Personally, because of my anxiety, conflict often occurs because I hold in most of what I am feeling so as not to make the situation worse or because I think that my feelings are not important and are silly. By doing this, though, I am not helping the situation like I may think. In fact, by holding in my feelings I am doing what I fear, and making it worse. If individuals do not express what we are feeling then conflict cannot be resolved, and we will not be able to fully understand each other or how to resolve the issue at hand.

What IS Conflict?

In the most common cases, conflict can be described as fighting, aggression, anger, violence, and even bitterness towards someone else. While these are mostly destructive

sounding words, and can lead to hostility, resentment, and even divorce; it can also be constructive in a relationship. It allows a couple to come together and discuss the situation. By doing do so, it can cause respect and closeness (Igbo 2015)

“When troubles persist and become destructive to family life, there can be more serious causes of conflict, including immaturity, selfishness, desire to win power struggles, and pride” - S. Brent Scharman

When my husband and I have conflict, emotions begin to heat up. Our words get sharper with each other, and we become more defensive. We do not yell, but we do not listen either. Because of this, it is just a cycle of stating why one is right and the other is wrong. After a while we give up, and move on. We go for periods of time barely looking at one another, and our conversations for the next while are curt and one-worded. Eventually we move on, but we do not forget.

Conflict Resolution!

“Conflict Resolution is an act of finding a solution to a conflict”.  By doing so, those who are conflicted (usually with each other) can find a way to resolve their issues and settle on an agreement. (Igbo 2015).

“When conflicts are resolved, new patterns can take their place. The door then opens for spouses to express positive thoughts and demonstrate support.” - S. Brent Scharman

As stated earlier, when my husband and I argue we move on but we do not forget. In fact, we use that “moving on” time to do other things so that we each have a moment to calm down and resolve our own thoughts. However, if I do not know how I truly think and feel, how can I let my husband know? After we have had time to calm down, we come back and discuss calmly our different sides. We listen to each other, and respect each other’s opinions while deciding on a resolution based on compromise for BOTH.  Does it always work this way? Definitely not. Sometimes we catch ourselves early in the conversation and remind ourselves that we need to calm down and focus. Sometimes we need to wait until the next day. But we always come back together and work as a team, and make sure the other knows that we are loved.

Tips For Conflict Resolution

• Take initiative and resolve conflict as early as possible

• The longer we wait to resolve conflict, the more time passes to become bitter and angry towards one another, and the more time for negative thoughts to take over.

• Forgive and Forget

• If we do not forgive and let go, conflict cannot be truly solved, and can potentially be brought up in future arguments.

• Control your Anger

• Anger can make it hard to think and discuss positive solutions or feelings, and can further the conflict in negative ways.

• No name calling

• Name calling can lead the conflict into a new direction, and you will no longer be discussing the situation, instead name calling will lead to putting each other down and won’t solve anything.

• Keep your cool

• By keeping a calm head, we can better rationalize the situation and communicate more effectively with our spouse.

• Reflect upon the root cause

• By remaining focused, the problem can be discussed quicker than if we wander into other discussions that aren’t helpful in resolving the conflict.

• Don’t assume your innocence and the other’s guilt

• In an argument it is easy to think you are right and others are wrong, but if we take the time to listen to other perspectives, then we may realize that maybe neither is wrong and people just have different ways of handling things.

• Set up a proper time to discuss

• If we are being rushed, or are in the middle of other obligations then we may feel stressed and pressured; which can aggravate the situation and cause anger to re-elevate. If you both decide on a time that works for you, you will feel more calm and ready to communicate.

• Focus on the current problem and do not remind of the past

• This goes with Forgive and Forget. If we are bringing up the past, we are bringing out more situations that cause conflict, and it will be harder to find the root of the cause. If we forgive and forget, then finding a resolution will be easier to do and we will be able to focus on the issue at hand.

(Yunus, M. 2008)

Using what we know

So far, we have learned about communication skills, Active listening, and Love Languages. Here is a time that would be best to put what has been learned into action.

Communication: We know that when we communicate, body language is important. Make sure to face each other when talking, and have an open expression and posture. Don’t fold your arms across your chest, as this makes you seem closed off to the other person. Instead, have your arms loosely at your sides or in your lap if you are sitting. Have a relaxed and open expression on your face. Try not to look down, instead make eye contact so both of you know you are focused on the situation.

Active Listening: Turn off all distractions. Put your phones away, and turn off the T.V. or sit in a quiet room together. Take turns talking, and when you are listening repeat some things back that the other says so both of you know that you are listening, taking in how each feels, and what each thinks. Ask calming questions if you need clarification, and do not become defensive.

Love Languages: Remember that we all communicate differently, and express ourselves in different ways. When you are resolving conflict and if your partner feels love with physical touch, hold their hand or put your hand on their arm or shoulder now and again to express that closeness. Sit next to each other, or find ways to express yourselves.

Resolving conflict doesn’t have to be tense. It can be a tender moment, even funny sometimes depending on the personalities, and should bring partners closer together. If we remember the love we have for each other, and remember to show that love in times of conflict we can better resolve our issues and move past them as they come to the surface. Because in life these issues will always be there. There will be new ones, tougher ones, and issues even more complicated to solve. But by working together as a partnership, future issues can be better handled and quickly resolved

Take Away

1.  Read through the “Tips for Conflict Resolution” and try to implement them into everyday life. If we are actively trying to be better at how we handle what life throws our way, we will better be able to communicate with our spouses and family as well.

2.  This week try to be honest and sincere about your feelings in a situation. If we practice sharing how we feel with our spouse, there will be less tension and more openness in the relationships. We can better avoid conflict this way.

3.  Make sure you are focusing on the things you should be

during conflict. Do not make your spouse the root of your problems. Focus on the problem and how to fix it, and remember it is not your spouse you are angry with, but the conflict itself.

4.  Remember to show your love. Before, during, and after conflict we need to be reminding ourselves and showing our spouses that we love and respect them. By doing so, we can better come together to resolve issues that will appear.

Please let us know how we are doing by filling out this survey!

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Resources

 Igbo, H. I., Grace, A. R., & Christiana, E. O. (2015). Relationship between Duration of Marriage, Personality Trait, Gender and Conflict Resolution Strategies of Spouses. Procedia - Social And Behavioral Sciences, 190(Proceedings of 2nd Global Conference on Psychology Researches (GCPR-2014) 28-29 November 2014, University of Barcelona, Barcelona, Spain 28-29 November 2014, University of Barcelona, Barcelona, Spain), 490-496. doi:10.1016/j.sbspro.2015.05.032

Scharman, S. B. (2017, October). Resolving Conflict in Your Marriage. Ensign.

Yunus, M. (2008). Towards better dynamics and communication in Marriage- Islamic Perspective. Health & Medicine. Retrieved March 3, 2018, from https://www.slideshare.net/DrYunus/towards-better-dynamics-and-communication.

Marriage and Money: Why does it Matter?

Marriage and Money: Why does it Matter?

Have you ever thought about the impact that finances and money management have on marriage? I have found in my marriage that money can be the cause of great contention if we are not careful. I feel money management is such a difficult task to agree on because each person in the marriage often has very different ideas about what is appropriate for how to  manage finances. Coming together and agreeing on different ways to manage your finances can create a healthier, happier, and better environment for your marriage.

Not many people think about finances before they are married. But, even so, we must realize that in order to succeed whether we are about to get married, or already are, is that communication is the key to success for financial happiness in a family (Hoffman, M. K. 2004). It has to be, because financial problems happen to be the number one cause of stress in a family. “Financial Intimacy starts with better communication”. (Renzulli, K. A. 2017)

Debt

One of the things that is most common these days is that a couple will enter a marriage with debt. (Hoffman, M.K. 2004).

When my husband and I started dating, we had no debt between us. But, we both knew that would change. After being married for just over a year and a half, we now have a car we are paying off, my student loans, credit cards, and a small loan given to us from the Army while my husband’s pay was being fixed after our move. Debt is stressful. It controls what we can spend, and how we live our lives. We knew we needed to make a change, and that started with talking to each other first. Dave Ramsey, a financial spokesman and author has said

“You MUST tell your spouse about your debt, income, financial strengths and weaknesses. No secrets allowed”

Once we communicated with each other, we learned that we have a lot of the same habits when it comes to spending, but we also have the same goals in mind for our family. What we did to help ourselves be better, is we joined a Self-Reliance class on Personal Finance through our church. It is a 12 week course, and by doing it together we can be on the same page about our spending habits. It has us tracking our weekly expenses, counseling weekly as a couple (not just about finances but about our lives in general so that we can be on the same page in every aspect of our lives) and this week we will be learning about budgets, so that we can start to pay off our loans and become free of the debt that is holding us prisoner. But we wouldn’t be able to do it if we didn’t talk to each other openly about our thoughts and expectations. Our wants and our needs. Our goals as people, and as a family. It is never too late to start, and that was proven to me by going to this class. We were the youngest couple there. So start now.

Rachel Cruze is the daughter of Dave Ramsey. She is an author and finance spokeswoman. Here is what she has to say about Marriage and Money:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t5Dzv3qaNJs&index=124&list=PLG3zxqqaWnbcyD5ysxWEgWfRFcPaJ8gRG

So, we just learned that money is a BIG deal when it comes to marriage. There is debt to deal with, and you and your spouse need to be able to openly and kindly talk to one another. We learned you can counsel with each other, but where do you start?

In an article called “What You Need To Know (And Had Better Find Out) About Your Spouse’s Money”, Marlys Harris said that a lot of couples couldn’t possibly know where to start with finances, if they first don’t understand what all the assets are. He continued by saying
“You may think you know the basics, like how much your spouse earns and saves, but don't be so sure. When queried about their household's finances, half of the couples in a 2003 study by Ohio State University's Center for Human Resource Research differed by more than 10% in quoting the family's income and by 30% in assessing net worth-mostly because one spouse didn't have a good grip on the other's side of the ledger.”

So what should you know?

• ALL sources of Income

You can’t just talk about the salaries. You need to know about commissions and bonuses that may be given at your jobs

• Savings and Investments

Do you know each others 401(k)s or IRAs? How are they invested? Do you know about ALL checkings and savings accounts? How much is in them? Make a list of all of these that the other should know about to share when you counsel together.

• Any Debts or Obligations

This is where you will need to discuss credit card balances, loans, etc. If one of you has a child that you are paying child support for, you will want to discuss this as well so you can plan for it and make room in your budget.

Make a list of all of these so that when you discuss it together, you are bringing everything to the table and are ready to be open with one another to help make your financial lives better.

What are you doing with your Money?

Are you making bills a priority? Are you putting money into savings? Are you making and sticking to a budget? Is your spouse? Do talk about what you are spending money on? While you may discuss in passing here and there what you are buying and where money is going, it isn’t enough. You both need to be open when spending money, and need to make sure you discuss these things (Harris, M. 2008). Do you know what your spouse’s financial dreams and goals are? Do you know when they really want to retire, and what they want to do with that money? Do they know these things about you? Take the time to talk to each other about your financial dreams and wants. Go on a walk together and discuss this with each other. You will be able to spend time together and find out more about where each other are with finances. Remember, though, when something happens that you don’t agree with, to not get mad. Appreciate their honesty and work out a solution together (Harris, M. 2008).

How much will you Leave?

Life and tragedy happen. We don’t always know when or why, but it is always a possibility that one spouse can die at a young age. It is never a fun thing to have to think about, but it is something that should be done. With my husband in the military, Wills and Power of Attorney’s are not an uncommon subject in our home. If he were to be deployed, we would need to make sure all of our paperwork is in order, and for me that means I need to understand what would happen if he were to not come back. What bills would be left, what exactly would happen afterwards, etc. We need to discuss our daughter we are having soon, and what we would need to have in place for her and her future. While these are not conversations I would suggest having every time you discuss finances, I think bringing it up every few months or so would be a good idea to make sure there are changes made that need to be, and if money or income changes, etc. you will be able to fix it without talking about death constantly.

What Do You Really Know?

Marlys Harris, at the end of his article, gives us some questions we can ask about our spouses to see what we know, and ask them to find the answers. These questions are:

1.  How much money did your spouse make last year, including salary, bonuses, commissions and freelance pay?

2.  What's the last big purchase (more than $100) your spouse made, and how much did it cost?

3.  How much does your spouse owe, counting credit-card balances, car loans and any other debt, aside from your mortgage?

4.  What's the current value of your spouse's 401(k) or other principal retirement account?

5.  If your spouse passes away, how much will you collect in life insurance (counting both workplace and individual policies)?

BONUS: How much did the two of you report in joint income on your tax return last year?

Making A Budget

A big thing that is important to do while communicating about money with your spouse, is to create a budget. Once You discuss the things we have talked about already (Income, retirement, assets, wills, etc.) then you are ready to sit down and put together a budget together. I say to do this after you talk over everything first, because then you will both have an understanding of the money you need to work with, and you can start on the same page. Putting together a budget can be hard if you don’t know how to create one, or what needs to be on it. What my husband and I use is a free budget created by Dave Ramsey. You can find it at Everydollar.com and sign up for free. It has everything on there that, in my opinion, you could need. You can even add to it and personalize what you need for your situation. One thing we have on there, is date night. It is important you schedule time in your life to spend together, so why wouldn’t you do that with your budget as well? While you are putting it together it will show you how much is left that you can work with and will make a pie chart to see how much goes to different categories each month (food, home, car, etc.) and you can change it monthly or whenever you need based on situations that occur. And there is an app for your phone if you have one that has that capability!

It’s never too late to start fresh and make your financial situation better. It is never too late to sit down and talk to each other and do what you need to for each other and your family. It’s never too late...so why not start now?

Take Away!

1.          Write down your Income, Assets, Debt, and Accounts. Have your spouse do the same, and sit down and talk about your lists. Be respectful and honest with each other.

2.          Take a “Walk and Talk” with your spouse. Take a morning or evening to go on a short walk with your spouse. Talk about your financial goals, dreams and get to know each other’s thoughts better.

3.          Use the “What Do You Know” Questions. Take the time to see what you know, and then switch places. When done, discuss the questions and tell each other the true answers.

4.          Make a Budget! Track your expenses for a week or two to see what you spend and where. Save your receipts and use this information to help you better know what you need to put in your budget. Make an account on Everydollar.com to help you, and then download the app on your phone if you can to keep track on the go!

Please let us know how we are doing by filling out this survey!

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Resources!

Harris, M. (2008). What You Need to Know (and Had Better Find Out) About Your Spouse's Money. Money, 37(7), 96-100. Retrieved From

https://eds-a-ebscohost-com.byui.idm.oclc.org/eds/detail/detail?vid=4&sid=b279c58b-bd01-4a98-ae90-628ee44679a4%40pdc-v-sessmgr01&bdata=JnNpdGU9ZWRzLWxpdmU%3d#AN=32647905&db=buh

Hoffman, M. K. (2004). 'Til Debt Do Us Part?. Jet, 105(6), 54. Retrieved from https://eds.b.ebscohost.com/eds/detail/detail?vid=4&sid=606333dd-a339-4362-8f3e-4cd147e63b0b%40sessionmgr103&bdata=JnNpdGU9ZWRzLWxpdmU%3d#AN=12106557&db=f5h

Renzulli, K. A. (2017). The Newlyweds' Guide to Financial Success. Money, 46(5), 54-61 Retrieved from

        https://eds-b-ebscohost-com.byui.idm.oclc.org/eds/pdfviewer/pdfviewer?vid=3&sid=1bf8870a-246b-4bb1-873f-a9808a900302%40sessionmgr102

Communication In Parenting

Communication in Parenting

When children are thrown into the mix of a marriage, why is it so difficult for couples to communicate about parenting? Children have a tendency to bring their parents’ weaknesses to light, which can make it difficult for parents to communicate with each other.

Just think about it; when you feel like your weaknesses are being shown or displayed, how do you feel? Do you feel frustrated and confused? Do you feel annoyed and like you want to escape?

Welcoming A New Baby:

·         It has been shown through research that becoming parents and bringing a new baby into the mix can become a really difficult adjustment for a marriage (Marriage and Parenting, 2008)

·    Studies have shown that Marital Satisfaction can plummet by 45% for men and 58% for women during the first year of having a baby because of the stress and adjustment that is taking place (Marriage and Parenting, 2008).

·         It has been shown that couples who have a steady marriage before they welcome a baby into the world will most likely have an easier time bouncing back after the adjustment period of a new baby (Marriage and Parenting, 2008).

·         Studies have shown that it is very valuable for a couple to attend counseling during the first few months of a baby’s life. This helps the couple work through postpartum depression and role issues they may have.

·         It is suggested to find ways to communicate your needs and expectations to your spouse. It is helpful to find couples who are in similar situations that will be able to relate to your situation and how you are feeling (Marriage and parenting,
2008).

·         Lastly, it is important to help the father stay involved in the baby raising experience.  That will help with the couple’s communication and transition in parenthood.

“Calm Voices, Calmer Kids”

Sometimes it’s hard to keep your cool, but less yelling means better communication

-Beth Arky

Key Skills for Parenting as a Team:

-Identify Problem Interactions: Identify the situations as parents that create tension in your household and in your relationship. If contention arises because of constant morning time-crunches, communicate to find a way to ease the rush so that contention does not arise (Arky, 2018).

-Create Consistency: Create an environment that is consistent. This allows the children and the marriage to be on the same page. If there are routines in the family, it will create a steady environment (Arky, 2018).

-Consider Triggers: Consider the triggers of everyone in the family. For example, if a child is usually upset when he or she missed a snack, remember that it will create a grumpy child. Everyone in a family has triggers, even parents (Arky, 2018).

-Understanding=Patience: It is helpful for parents to be understanding of each other and their limits as well as their children and their limits. When understanding takes place in a family environment and communication is constant, there will be more patience for each other (Arky, 2018).

-Learn to Let Go and Laugh it Off: Letting go of being totally in control when you are parents really helps. It is important to just laugh at the mistakes that happen instead of getting tense about mistakes children make (Arky, 2018).

-Disengage: Sometimes it is important to disengage from the situation as parents. It is important for parents to know when to walk away and gain their composure before responding to children or even to each other. This can help keep the conversations calm and pleasant (Arky, 2018).

TAKE AWAY

• Remember that welcoming a new baby into the world is a transition period through which your marriage will need extra attention.
• Find ways to communicate and talk about roles as new parents and what might be causing contention in your marriage.
• Remember, as parents, it is important to find ways to laugh and to disengage when the situation is appropriate.
• Next time you are having a frustrating moment, try and understand what is happening in the situation with your spouse before making judgments.
• Lastly, Create consistency in your family life. Find a way to make a routine more consistent. This will help relieve contention and promote a peaceful home.

Please let us know how we are doing by filling out this survey!

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Resources:

Arky, B. (n.d.). Calm Voices, Calmer Kids. Retrieved March 24, 2018, from https://childmind.org/article/calm-voices-calmer-kids/

Marriage & parenting. (2008). National Women's Health Report, 30(2), 6.