Active
Listening
Noise coming from the top of my lungs. Music sheets sprawled out
everywhere, and a smile on my face. Many people in my life know that Singing
has been one of my favorite things to do since I was a young little girl. At
one point in my teenage years, I would sing my responses to my mom when she
asked me a question. I found that when I sang to others, they listened to me
and what I was trying to say. I am
suggesting that we will find ways to get those around us to actually listen;
for me it was signing, for others it is yelling. Individuals
have an innate need to be heard and they will find a way to make that happen.
“Listen
with curiosity. Speak with honesty. Act with integrity. The greatest problem with
communication is we don’t listen to understand. We listen to reply. When we
listen with curiosity, we don’t listen with the
intent to reply. We listen for what’s behind the words.”
VIDEO
When I talk to others, I
used to feel like I wasn’t really being heard. I was being brushed off, or that
the person listening to me was just too distracted to care. I was frustrated,
because I always thought I gave people the time of day when they talked to me;
but did I? Was I taking the time to really listen to those who came to talk to
me. After realizing I might need to change myself before I worry about others,
I started focusing on how I listened before I worried about how I was being
listened to. If I was giving others the courtesy they deserved, it would come
back around.
This was especially important in my marriage. When my
husband talks in normal conversation, we usually talk while on our phones,
cleaning, watching T.V. etc. But if it was important, we turned off the T.V.,
put down our phones, faced each other, and took turns listening and talking to
each other. It made a huge difference in our relationships because we knew if
we had something we needed to talk about, we had each other to listen to. We
respected and loved one another without judgement. There was nothing, in my
opinion, more important than knowing that.
- Did
you know that there are three different dimensions to being and becoming a
great listener? Sensing is the first dimension.
Sensing is the ability to listen to the words and feelings that the
speaker is saying. Sensing also includes watching and listening for
nonverbal cues such as body language (Drollinger, Comer, & Warrington, 2006).
Have you ever noticed that facial expressions can tell you a lot about how
a person is feeling?
- The second dimension is processing. This is the step where we evaluate what we hear from the person that was speaking. We mentally organize the information into different areas in our brain. As we do this, this helps us to understand the meaning of what was said, interpret the implications, evaluate the cues that were given, and remembering the message by sorting the information in your brain (Drollinger, Comer, & Warrington, 2006).
- The third dimension is the signals that the speaker gives to the listener that they have been heard. This can include head nods that suggest the listener is actually listening or facial expressions that show interest. Another way to acknowledge is to ask further questions to the speaker so that they see and feel you are really listening (Drollinger, Comer, & Warrington, 2006).
- “To say that a person feels listened to means a lot
more than just their ideas get heard. It's a sign of respect. It makes people feel valued.” — Deborah Tannen, author and professor of linguistics,
Georgetown University
·
A few tips for success to become a
great active listener are to repeat what the speaker said in a way
that will allow them to feel heard and understood. Another tip is to paraphrase and reflect on what was said and what that really means to the
person speaking (American Medical Association, 2016).
Take away and Challenge
1.
When your spouse or children need
to talk to you, eliminate all distractions. Put down the
phone, turn off the T.V., and face towards whoever is talking to you.
2. Take turns talking to each other. When you
are not speaking, focus on what the other is trying to say. Try not to think of how to respond, or what you will say next.
Focus on just listening and not daydreaming.
3. Practice repeating what they say back to them (not every word,
just maybe important parts). It shows you are listening and
respecting them.
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References
Active
listening and interaction using Index of Co-Incidence and Birthday problem with
Hidden Markov Models. (2016). 2016 Second International Conference on Cognitive
Computing and Information Processing (CCIP), Cognitive Computing and
Information Processing (CCIP), 2016 Second International Conference on, 1.
doi:10.1109/CCIP.2016.7802867
(Drollinger,
Comer, & Warrington, 2006) How to become an empathetic listener. Drollinger, T., Comer, L. B., & Warrington,
P. T. (2006). Development and Validation of the Active Empathetic Listening
Scale. Psychology & Marketing, 23(2), 161-180. doi:10.1002/mar.20105
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